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Okay, I think I have had enough of trying to change everything at once. I am going to return to most of my “old” habits. I actually cancelled my last appointment with the nutritionist – not entirely though, I just changed the date. So my next appointment is in two weeks time on the 20th. These past four weeks I have been bouncing all about the place, even the slightest glance at anything “forbidden” send me spiralling out of control.

Can you imagine cheating your nutritionist with plain bread, or a tbsp of refined sugar in a skillet full of bell pepper?? I can and I did … and I payed the price for it, which was; thinking that now, since I cheated already I could just as well go all the way and have more bad stuff which I am usually not allowed. It was weird how I got from having sugar in my bell pepper, to devouring waffles or chocolate, or something. An office friend of mine told me to drop the nutritionist with the words – “She ain’t good for you Janet!”

Well, first of all … I am not going to drop her!! Well, to be honest, even if I wanted to get out, I don’t think I could get out of the contract I signed.

And seconds of all, I am not beat yet!!

So after three weeks of no progress, actually I took a few steps back I guess, I am starting with what I know and doing so meant also getting a new scale since Kaya peed my old one into oblivion. Yes, she actually peed on it and her urine went into the scale, and killed the display for good. 😦

Lovely cat, isn’t she. 😉

Anyway, so I ordered a new scale and am waiting for its arrival at the moment, I also ordered some cloth to get me motivated again and as of last Monday I am back on the wagon. All the changes she asked me to implement, the no salt, no sugar, no ice coffee and the forced times at which I am supposed to eat resulted in me hitting quite a few bumps on the road, to be exact I started craving things. Like crazy!!

The fact that I had to drop my ice coffee after work but at the same time refused to eat anything in its stead but had to wait until 6 pm before I was “allowed” to eat again caused hardcore cravings for me and I have to admit that I followed the cravings on quite a few occasions. Looks like I am still that old Janet from back when I started. It is quite sobering to see that I can easily fall back into old habits, even more so since I actually believed that I had changed beyond the point of breaking down again like that.

Anyway, since I have returned to my ice coffee I feel like I might be able to regain control. Oh and I also kicked the timing for my dinner. Now I start cooking when I get hungry and that’s it about that!!!

I had a talk with Ronny today and that made me fear that I might get to feel some heat from my nutritionist. Telling her that it was all too much … well, and that I returned to having ice coffee. I really feel the pressure at the moment since when it comes to weight-loss, I am the one who always wants to prove herself.

Well, we’ll see. Okay, what have I been up to recently. Lot’s of Red Cross is happening at the moment. Once I returned from work, I feed the cats, clean the litter box, then have about 20 minutes for my milk coffee before I change into my uniform and get going again. At the moment St. Martin is happening over here again, so we have processions every day. I was on duty Monday, Tuesday and today, Ronny and I are manning our small ambulance together and drive behind the procession in order to keep the following traffic from driving into the crowds.

Our small ambulance and Ronny

Lanterns at the side of the road

Also last weekend I instructed another first aid course for some Red Cross newbies, which turned out quite fun, despite me having to slap Torsten’s fingers since he kept interrupting my course.

Doing CPR with the help of a defibrillator

About the apartment for my parents, we are going to sign the contract on Monday. My parents will arrive on Sunday, stay over night and leave with the train after everything is settled.

Oh and by the way, after the realtor had called, telling me that we got the place, my sleeping problems disappeared and I haven’t had any further episodes of panic or alike and I hope it will stay this way. I am still going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure since I am also interested to find out about my cholesterol levels due to all the meat I have been having these past few month. I will keep you updated on it and also try to become a regular writer again.

That’s it for today … ah one more thing, what do you guys think about the re-election of Obama, since I can only look at it from the outside, I would really like to hear about what you think.

Night folks!

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Yay, the week is over and I am quite happy about it.

Work-wise I didn’t get a lot done again, which is natural after all I have to give the new colleague the “big” training. I have got to explain everything and make her write it down as well, so she will create her own copy of it all and have the means to start working on her own at an early point.

Also Jens, the other sick colleague called, and told me that he is likely going to be sick for the all of November, so the sooner Beatrix is ready to start supporting us in some way, the better.

So I left work around 2:30 pm and did the weekend shopping. I only need to get some water tomorrow after the LSM course I am doing tomorrow again. This time it’S going to be the English version of it. I am not yet sure how many people are going to attend the class, haven’t yet talked to Torsten about it.

I am not really looking forward to it though, I really wish for some days off and sleeping in. But that will come, since I talked to my Mom this afternoon and my older sister is going to drop her off at my place on Sunday. So Mom is going to stay over night and I took Monday off, to avoid all the hassle of having to hurry home fast on Monday. Also I really hope for some alone time with her and I can spoil my Mom for a day and cook some of the things I have learned by now.

So tomorrow is another day of work, then Sunday morning is going to be house shore time and once Nicky and my Mom arrive we will get comfortable. Maybe she can teach me some techniques on meditation and alike, after all I still haven’t managed to fully lock up my problems in my mental “safe”. By the way, I renovated my mental safe and have decided to make it look like the pensieve in Hatty Potter. 😉 It’s working so far.

After shopping I took care that Kaya took her antibiotics and drove by Ronny’s place for some coffee. It’s been some time since I drove by like that …

Anyway, I am too lazy now to take a shower, I wasn’t even ready to cook and just opened a pre-washed salad with some dressing included.  I know, I know, that thing most certainly contained a good amount of carbs AND salt, the dressing that is, but I am giving myself a break and – while I still avoid salt when cooking I am returning to some of my old “good” habits. I keep my carb intake after 5 pm as low as possible but I am not going to force myself anymore. At least at the moment. I hope, that once the apartment is ours for sure, I might find back to my old determination.

Anyway, I am going to bed now, so everyone enjoy your weekend and make good use of the time.

Night folks. 😉

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Okay, I think now I feel a little bit more composed to write something positive here and not always keep you all “entertained” – and I am being ironic here – with the mostly downs of my life.

YEAH!!! Eventually some good news!!

Kaya is doing better again and she also started refraining from purging every night. Since we started the antibiotics she has only purged once during the night and once during the day and both times it was only a little bit, so perhaps the antibiotics are not only working on her bladder but also on her stomach or whatever is causing her to gt rid of her food occasionally. So good news for my nerves and my carpet. 😉

Also when I got to work this morning there was a mail from my boss that he actually send one hour after I had left yesterday and that mail surprised me positively. The mail stated that a new temp employee would start today. So when I read it this morning I was only 2 hours away from her starting and I felt great relief!! So more positive news, YAY!!!

My boss even came by earlier than anticipated and brought the “new”, well temporary but still new colleague. She is rather young, maybe in her early 20’s and obviously had been borrowed by my company before. She knows the software that we are working with and has some knowledge of the things we do here, so that is rather good.

Despite Olga having her day off today, she came by to drop of her oldest at our kindergarten and so she was also introduced to the new girl. I basically spend the entire day to get her situated and get all the stuff she needs and also explain our filing system, show her everything and then start going through the first steps of what and how we do things in our department.

So it’s fair to say that we didn’t really get a whole lot done, since we only started the real work around 1 pm. It was so sweet when Beatrix, that her name, asked me whether she would be allowed to sit next to me the next day and have a little more training. I almost laughed out loud. “Of course”, I told her and then elaborated on the fact that she will get a full training and might sit next to me for a week at least, before I would let her run off on her own. 😉

So that makes good news times two.

AND THEN … there was even more.

I am laughing just remembering it. Okay, so here it goes. I was in the bathroom, my pants down, when my phone rang and it was the landlord. Just imagine, it was hilarious.

So I picked it up and since I was in the bathroom my voice echoed somehow and the landlord asked whether this was a good time. Ah well, I looked down at my pants and decided to delay flushing the toilet for just a moment longer and replied. “Ah, sure!”

To be honest I didn’t expect any call from him that very day, since I had called him on Tuesday and had been told then, that the apartment which was originally meant for my parents, had been evacuated/vacated the previous day and that it was not fit for any new tenant. My hopes had then hit bottom, since I had talked to my Mom the day before and she had been at her wits and patients end that day. So it’s fair to say that I was almost devastated at having to call my Mom to tell her that it would still take longer.

Anyway, so me with my pants down got the best news ever. He told me that another tenant had decided to leave and that this apartment was the same size as the one which was out of the question and that we could view it on Monday at 4 pm. YAY to that!!!

So I called my Mom once I got off the phone and out of the bathroom. I don’t know yet whether my Mom is taking the train to get here or whether I can mobilize someone to pick her up but I am just happy. I am not even thinking about doing the renovation, which will probably fall on me along the way, I am just happy.

On a side note, this is exactly what I wished for Monday. So Monday I left my apartment with some trash to drop in the container. On my way back to the scooter, I stopped for a moment to look at the sky. The sky was all clear, not one cloud and the stars were breath-taking. For a moment I contemplated the vast nothingness out there and how we are nothing in light of it all, when right at the spot I was looking at a falling star burned out in the atmosphere.

I couldn’t keep myself from uttering a dreamy “Oooooohhhhhh!”

I stared at this tiny path of sky for a moment longer when I remember that I was supposed to wish for something, right?? So I did and I got half of it today.

The other half of my wish was, that I eventually get a grip on my weight-loss journey again since I have been struggling a little these past 2 weeks. I seem to subconsciously be revolting against the ideas of my nutritionist, taking offense at all the changes, which seems to get me tripping all the time. Part could also be that it is TOM time again but I can’t keep blaming TOM for it all the time, so I need to get a grip.

Since it’s all too much at the moment I decided to just have my ice coffee again, just until I have gotten everything else covered, like the absolutely no carb and no salt rule after 5 pm. Once I get that under control I feel that I can take care of my emotional drinking of ice coffee.

Anyway, that’s it for today, I am off with another feel good song of the day from Shahrukh Khan  – Deewangi, Deewangi

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Ja, the weekend has been over for a few days now but it’s so stressful at the moment that I write once I have some time, so bear with me here.

Last Saturday I had a Red Cross training for my psychological attendant group and we did mental hygiene in that training. It was quite cool and actually just what I needed. How to get rid of all the bad things one piles up internally, should be useful in the long run.

We also did some mental exercises during the training. The inner garden, the peaceful place and the safe, are just some. The inner garden is a garden that you create in your mind, where you can return to whenever you feel like it, so is the peaceful place.

Basically you sit down straight but comfortable or in the Fiaker position, invented by the hackney carriage drivers in the last century. Basically you sit down, lean forward and place your elbows on you knees and let your head hang down. Then you concentrate on those places that you have created before and just spend some time there.

For us, who tried it for the first time, we sat down and then our instructor basically lead us through the steps of creating our garden, the peaceful place and the safe, or strong room.

I managed to create all of them and when we did our third exercise I was actually gone and had all forgotten about me being in class somewhere in Alfter, where the training was at. After the training was over I even managed to forget my food box with the yoghurt that I had brought as a snack. 😦

The food we got there was terribly salty, a concoction of potatoes, some mushrooms in a sauce and some meat covered by bread crumbs and then fried. The salad we had as a side dish was good but also way too salty. When I got home I was totally off my game and I don’t really know why, perhaps the fact that I didn’t have my snack, nor did I follow the timing of my food, might have had something to do with it. So I did not only fall back on having salt that day but have been having my struggles with anything sweet these past few days.

I know I should not only avoid salt, which has been working for me these past four days, since I got back on the salt-less challenge on Monday but should also stay away from anything sweet, which has been pushing my boundaries lately.

At the moment I feel like I am restraining myself 24/7 – no milk coffee!! I mean seriously NO MILK COFFEE!!!!!! This is killing me more than anything and to be honest I really broke that rule on three out of five days. If I don’t get a handle on this I am worried my next appointment with the nutritionist will turn out a tour de force. 😦

And the fact that people around me keep telling me that I am overdoing it and that there has to be some quality in life, is not helping much. I know I am being hard on myself big time but I also know that once I get the routine, I might be able to handle giving myself a break a little better.

Salt-less check but avoid carbs – I mean, I am not even allowed to have balsamic after 5 pm – mayor disaster I think!! Having a milk coffee can already trigger me going whatever. Having pineapple in my curry, forget it, sugar in my fried bell pepper? Don’t even think about it!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

But this is what I wanted, right?? Someone to tell me what I am doing wrong and this is what I got. It’s hilarious, I am paying to be tortured and putting myself under pressure to meet expectations 😉

Well, I guess I will make a trip to my inner garden in a moment to refocus and find my inner strength again.

Night to you all. 😉

Song if the day is Pumped up kicks from Foster the People

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Okay then, today was the first day that I tried to follow my nutritionists instructions of avoiding any and all salt when cooking and of course the no sugar rule.

“Spicing instead of salting” it says

And this is what I came up with. I actually checked Amazon for a book on this topic but was presented with spices instead. I am hoping to find cheaper options along the way but for now, after only dipping into the topic, almost 5 Euro per container must do. I actually bought one more container with a Asian mix but upon checking it at home – you have to understand that when I found it in the shop, all the way at the bottom of the rack I was so excited that I just grabbed one of each of them, that I didn’t check – I discovered that the Asian one does contain sugar. It’s the last item on the list but still it contains sugar so I am not going to use it until I have checked with my nutritionist.

Which brings me to the fact that I actually totally forgot to finish my story about being an emotional eater yesterday.

So here goes that story. I did talk to my nutritionist about the fact that I don’t need to eat at 4 pm, because I just wasn’t really hungry then but  that I REALLY love my ice coffee in the afternoon. I wanted her to agree that I could have my ice coffee instead of eating a small muesli or slice of bread with cream cheese or something. After all they both have about the same calorie value. She then asked me what the ice coffee is doing for me.

I tried to put it into words and then told her that the ice coffee for me symbolises the end of the working day, just something to make me calm down, relax and forget about the stress at work.

And CHA-BANG, that is when it dawned on me and looking at her face I saw from her expression that she realized that I realized – does that make sense?? Hahaha. 😉

So, hello my name is Janet and I am an emotional eater, (you are now supposed to say “Hello Janet”).

She then prompted another task to me, instead of focusing on the exact amounts and calories of what I eat, I am now supposed to write down how I feel before, during and after eating. This way we will hopefully figure out whether I am feeding my body or my soul.

What is quite cool about it, is the fact that I am going for another Red Cross training tomorrow which will be about how to deal and cope with psychological stress. Okay, it’s another Saturday where I can’t relax, since the boss of that unit – this is not my Red Cross unit boss Hassan, but the boss of the psychological attendant group Almut, where I am also involved – asked me, whether I would possibly like to become an instructor of that topic later, so I will have to stay focused all the way.

Anyway, let’s get back to my NO SALT challenge, which has started today by the way. Ops, anyone care to join me?? Feel free to do so. It’s only going to be a three-week challenge, so don’t worry about lacking salt after those three weeks cause there is a lot of salt in the rest of the food you are having on a daily basis. So feel free to join me.

I am totally excited to see whether my weight will reflect anything in three weeks time when my next appointment with the nutritionist is. After all I have scientific prove that I am retaining water.

So here is what I had today.

Chicken with no salt added and peas, carrots and corn. also unsalted. I used the spices you can see above

And, well … it was good. Different but okay. I guess I can get used to it.

That’s it for today people. I need to take a shower and then head for bed. A colleague is going to pick me up tomorrow at 8:15 am.

So night folks and sleep tight. 😉

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Oh yeah, didn’t I joke about it yesterday, having to stand next to Kaya while she eats. Well actually it seems she is intend on me being there.

I just spend the last few minutes being called by her over and over again and once I followed her, she actually started purring while devouring what seems to be a lot!!!! Also she didn’t purge last night and by using cat treats I managed to stop her begging for human foods.

I hope this will last.

I am actually on the run at the moment. Unfortunately I didn’t get any RC colleague for tonight’s theater duty and this means I will have to go myself. 😦

Don’t get me wrong, who has problems watching a play for free – but I watched that play three times already, so it’s getting old. Unless it’s Macbeth – which I can watch over and over again – things get old after the second time.

So I am leaving in a moment, just wanted to leave some prints here today.

I am rather annoyed that I have to be at the theater tonight cause I am having problems getting up in time and going to watch the play means that I won’t get to bed before 10 pm. And the chaos at work doesn’t make me feel any better either.

Sonja and Jens sick, Olga on vacation and, oh one of the apprentices also got sick. Apprentices … ah well, as much as I am thankful for their help and all – but errr, fearing the mistakes,l75983tzghlqwejgfafj…….

Sorry got to go, Kaya wants to sleep on my shoulder and I really need to leave. Just one more thing – nokayapleaseeeeeetakeyourtaleoutofmyface – tomorrow is my next appointment with my nutritionist. 😉

Night folks

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Gee, I just spend the last few minutes crawling after Kaya with a plate of food pushing forward. What we do for our cats, right?

Kaya is having another problematic phase at the moment and in order to get her to eat CAT FOOD and stop begging me for HUMAN FOOD, I had to get crawling I guess. She ate a little in the kitchen, then walked away, so I sat down next to her and kept on pushing the plate towards her. She would eat again and then parade away again. So I followed her with the plate, knelt down beside her and pretended to eat her food upon which she once again had a few bites.

Following her cat-wise, unfortunately got old for her pretty soon but I hope she had enough to eat not to purge this night. The last few nights were rather bad in that regard. My carpet looks …  well, let’s not talk about it.

But hey, I have got my special cat stain remover, so all is good.

There have been quite a few occasions within the last few month when I thought Kaya might be “leaving” soon but so far she has always fought through and still be her old self, so I won’t estimate anything about the end of her life anymore.

Anyway, but there are also some more news from this side of the world. YAY!!!

On Monday when I went back to the office I found an email in my work account. The mail was from the landlord of the place that I looked at a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, getting him to even consider my parents has been quite a hassle so far. I had to scan all sorts of documents for the landlord and the city hall since my parents are both retired and considering the health history of my Dad there is no way he can work anymore. Also my Mom has a new hip and all, so there is no way she could work a 9-5 anymore. So they have to live off their retirement money, which is nothing to live a luxurious life with.

Anyway, here in Germany there are a few flats that are supported by the city you are living in and the landlord is basically only renting  out places that are supported, meaning that the rent is about 150 € cheaper than if it weren’t supported. BUT – in order to be admissible to these supported flats, you need a document from the town hall and in order to get that you have to turn in all sorts of documents, and the original signature from my Mom, so it turned out quite the adventure. I am doing the organising here on my own, after all my sisters are living 40 and 200 km from Bonn.

Blabla, I am talking too much it seems. Soooooo, when the landlord asked whether I would vouch for my parents, I got a little concerned and prayed that he would accept me as a guarantor … and … he did!!!

In the email he basically told me that there was another vacancy in the same house on the first floor and that he would accept me as guarantor. He will call me in 2 weeks time to make an appointment to look at the flat. YAYYYYYY!!!!

When reading the email I felt goosepimpels all over my body and realized how much pressure I had been under when I felt this weight suddenly being lifted off my shoulders. So I am sooooo happy,

And song of the day is a cover of Creep by the Scala & Kolacny Brothers

Night folks. 😉

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