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Archive for the ‘Panic’ Category

Okay, I think I have had enough of trying to change everything at once. I am going to return to most of my “old” habits. I actually cancelled my last appointment with the nutritionist – not entirely though, I just changed the date. So my next appointment is in two weeks time on the 20th. These past four weeks I have been bouncing all about the place, even the slightest glance at anything “forbidden” send me spiralling out of control.

Can you imagine cheating your nutritionist with plain bread, or a tbsp of refined sugar in a skillet full of bell pepper?? I can and I did … and I payed the price for it, which was; thinking that now, since I cheated already I could just as well go all the way and have more bad stuff which I am usually not allowed. It was weird how I got from having sugar in my bell pepper, to devouring waffles or chocolate, or something. An office friend of mine told me to drop the nutritionist with the words – “She ain’t good for you Janet!”

Well, first of all … I am not going to drop her!! Well, to be honest, even if I wanted to get out, I don’t think I could get out of the contract I signed.

And seconds of all, I am not beat yet!!

So after three weeks of no progress, actually I took a few steps back I guess, I am starting with what I know and doing so meant also getting a new scale since Kaya peed my old one into oblivion. Yes, she actually peed on it and her urine went into the scale, and killed the display for good. 😦

Lovely cat, isn’t she. 😉

Anyway, so I ordered a new scale and am waiting for its arrival at the moment, I also ordered some cloth to get me motivated again and as of last Monday I am back on the wagon. All the changes she asked me to implement, the no salt, no sugar, no ice coffee and the forced times at which I am supposed to eat resulted in me hitting quite a few bumps on the road, to be exact I started craving things. Like crazy!!

The fact that I had to drop my ice coffee after work but at the same time refused to eat anything in its stead but had to wait until 6 pm before I was “allowed” to eat again caused hardcore cravings for me and I have to admit that I followed the cravings on quite a few occasions. Looks like I am still that old Janet from back when I started. It is quite sobering to see that I can easily fall back into old habits, even more so since I actually believed that I had changed beyond the point of breaking down again like that.

Anyway, since I have returned to my ice coffee I feel like I might be able to regain control. Oh and I also kicked the timing for my dinner. Now I start cooking when I get hungry and that’s it about that!!!

I had a talk with Ronny today and that made me fear that I might get to feel some heat from my nutritionist. Telling her that it was all too much … well, and that I returned to having ice coffee. I really feel the pressure at the moment since when it comes to weight-loss, I am the one who always wants to prove herself.

Well, we’ll see. Okay, what have I been up to recently. Lot’s of Red Cross is happening at the moment. Once I returned from work, I feed the cats, clean the litter box, then have about 20 minutes for my milk coffee before I change into my uniform and get going again. At the moment St. Martin is happening over here again, so we have processions every day. I was on duty Monday, Tuesday and today, Ronny and I are manning our small ambulance together and drive behind the procession in order to keep the following traffic from driving into the crowds.

Our small ambulance and Ronny

Lanterns at the side of the road

Also last weekend I instructed another first aid course for some Red Cross newbies, which turned out quite fun, despite me having to slap Torsten’s fingers since he kept interrupting my course.

Doing CPR with the help of a defibrillator

About the apartment for my parents, we are going to sign the contract on Monday. My parents will arrive on Sunday, stay over night and leave with the train after everything is settled.

Oh and by the way, after the realtor had called, telling me that we got the place, my sleeping problems disappeared and I haven’t had any further episodes of panic or alike and I hope it will stay this way. I am still going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure since I am also interested to find out about my cholesterol levels due to all the meat I have been having these past few month. I will keep you updated on it and also try to become a regular writer again.

That’s it for today … ah one more thing, what do you guys think about the re-election of Obama, since I can only look at it from the outside, I would really like to hear about what you think.

Night folks!

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Oh my, this morning I was totally contemplating whether to go to work or not but I am happy I decided to go after all.

Something weird happened last night – I think – I am not sure though, did I dream?? Anyway, I think I jumped out of bed, took two steps into my living room, turned around once, looking right and left and then went back into bed.

So – either I am suffering from panic attacks or something might be wrong with my heart. You guys remember that I mentioned before, that I would experience this weird sensation just moments before falling asleep. I would hear my heartbeat extremely loud in my ears and then be wide awake right away.

I think I experienced some extreme version of it last night because I clearly remember jumping out of bed, wander around shortly and then return to bed … but then again I am not sure whether it was a dream after all.

So this got me a little concerned, after all I have been suffering from stomach pains for month now and stomach pains can also have meaning in that regard, so I called my doctor today but had no luck. She is on vacation until Friday and I don’t want to go to the hospital and ask them for a 24 hour ECG, cause they won’t do it. Also the doctor who is substituting for her won’t do it either, since he/she is not my doctor.

I am thinking it’s only stress but it has been going on for 2 month now, so being a medic, I should most certainly stop ignoring and figure out what’s going on. The thing is, my stress should now come to an end since I got the call today!! People, we have the apartment for my parents!!! YAY!!!

But let me start at the beginning …

Okay, my older sister and Mom arrived around 3 pm on Sunday. I had prepared some cauliflower pizza, we  ate together and they all loved it. Afterwards Nicky left again and Mom and I went for a walk. I showed her the street where the new apartment would be situated and we walked into Friesdorf, where my parents would have to do their shopping.

Only 10 minutes walk from the place there is a swimming bath, 2 banks, 2 supermarkets, bakeries, pharmacies, a post office, kiosk and bus stops going to either Bonn or Bad Godesberg. She was a little overwhelmed I think but that is totally understandable, after all she spend the last 6 years in a village with only 6 buildings or so. We then walked back and talked about my cousin and her children, where Mom is staying at the moment. Oh, by the way, Dad has returned from his stay at the health spa, so he is staying there too at the moment.

Once we returned we had dinner – which is usually bread here in Germany. I went along with it and had 2 slices of bread with cheese. Then we had lots and lots of tea and talked and talked and talked until we eventually went to bed. I prepared my bed on the ground, while my Mom took the bed. Much to my surprise, Shorty follow me and took his usual spot next to my head, only this time he was a little confused about the location I guess. 😉

Kaya on the other hand decided to stay away and spend the night on the cat tree.

Despite the heater being on and the window closed, I got up in the middle of the night and tuned up the heater all the way, I was so cold … but hey, no incident that night. 😉

Anyway, the next morning after breakfast we went to Friesdorf again and did some shopping and spend the rest of the day talking and waiting. Waiting fo 3:30pm, when we could eventually get going and meet the realtor/landlord.

We also checked the site of the realtor and were shocked to find that the apartment he had invited us to look at, had been published – how dumb of us, we had thought that we were the only one to look at the place. No, we were not, there were 3 women and one man also interested in that flat and while my Mom was so excited and ready to basically show all her cards at once, I tried to signal her to wait with the “real” questions until the rest of them were gone.

The apartment was still furnished since the old lady who had lived there before, had been transferred to a nursing home only a couple of days before that. It was obvious that nothing had been done in that apartment for a while, like renovating. The wallpaper was yellowed and seemed as if it had been brought in the 70’s. So the place was in no good condition. By the way, here in Germany you don’t move into furnished apartments, when you move in, there is nothing in there, you basically always have to bring all your own stuff, even the kitchen. So you move into empty rooms, whenever you move. You can make a deal with the previous tenant and buy their kitchen if  they offer to sell it but if the old tenant wants to take his or her kitchen along you are forced to either make your own kitchen fit into the new rooms or buy a new kitchen.

Anyway, after the other people were gone we talked business and my Mom decided to take it. He said he would call me today and we then left.

We then took a cab to Bad Godesberg, had a Latte Macchiato in front of my Red Cross unit’s house and I then we walked to the train station and I took care she would get a seat in the train, since it was after work rush hour.

I felt a little bad leaving her in the train but I had to work today and spending another 40 € to accompany her and then take the train back to Bonn again would have been a little too much.

I took the bus back home but got off at Ronnie’s place and spend another 90 minutes at his place before I eventually walked home again. I took a shower, grabbed my cats and was off to bed.

This morning I had only arrived at work when I got a bunch of calls. First the head of my psychological attendant group called, informing me that I would be somehow responsible for organising the upcoming meetings of the group, since she would be on vacation for 4 weeks. Then my Red Cross unit boss called talking to me about the upcoming First Aid course this weekend and the assignments for St. Martin in the next week.

And then came the call I had been waiting for – the realtor!!

WE HAVE THE APARTMENT !!!

We decided to meet again on the 12th to sign the contract, so I am taking off that day again since my parents will both arrive on the 11th, stay over night and then take the train back after everything is done. Also some more good news, the realtor is going to give us 14 days to do the renovations and moving without having the pay rent. So in December – we can start renovating on December 1st – they will only have to pay half the rent.

YAY!!!

So, this X-Mas, they will have their own place and all will be good. Hopefully. 😉

I am off to bed now, real tired. Everybody on the east cost – God bless and be safe.

Night folks.

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At the moment I am getting quite a lot of alone time and it’s a little challenging.

I am used to basically rush home from work, drive by Ronny’s place every other day and then still manage to get my workouts and cooking in the remaining day.

Now, since Ronny is still not talking to me because I didn’t drive to Munich with him and the others, I am having quite a bit of time at hand. I drove by his place today – I guess to force clearing the air, but he was not alone, a friend was with him and they were reorganizing Ronny’s living room, so it was impossible to talk about things.

He didn’t even hug me upon arriving – I guess he only opened the door because they had ordered some food and were waiting for the delivery guy. I tried to talk to him shortly before leaving though, but he refused to even talk to me. His only reply was that he didn’t want to talk about it and the way he said it, it was clear that he also didn’t want to talk to me!

I am not really sure why the situation is as it is at the moment. There is only one circumstance that might explain to me why this is happening.

Actually last Wednesday at the Red Cross meeting Ronny didn’t want to hug me because I had announced already that I wasn’t going to accompany him and the others and he told me that he didn’t like me not going and I responded that I didn’t care.

Of course I cared!! I care about everything about Ronny but I was just too exhausted to have another discussion about going or not going and that’s why I said that I didn’t care.

At the moment I feel like I am only inches away from starting to slam my head against the floor or something. Weeks of either my Mom or younger sister calling because of reappearing arguments over in Nordwalde, then my father’s ever-changing diagnoses. First they diagnose problem A, then problem B and eventually its problem C this. Now the big operation that might happen next week.

So excuse me please, I might not run around with my face distorted by crying all night – cause I tend to sleep at night – since I am quite good at just ignoring things as long as I can, but does that mean that everything is peachy???

NO SIR!!!!

IT FREAKING AIN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually I tried to clear the air three times – counting today’s attempt as well – Saturday I drove by, under the small pretend to get some cream for my bug bites but they were really killing me that day. I received utter ignorance and basically fled after a few minutes. Sunday, I called and asked him whether he would accompany me on another hike. All I got was a rather dull “NO”, lacking any emotion. Today was my third attempt to fix this.

Yeah, why don’t we put one more scoop of sh** on Janet’s plate, since it is not full enough as it is, right?? And while you are at it, why don’t you try shooting arrows at me. You might be lucky and hit bulls eye. Challenge of the day – MAKE JANET DROP!

I am drained.

I’ll take a step back.

Here is what I had/did yesterday.

DAY 50

I am going to stop now, before I have to regret something I write.

Night y’all!

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Actually, I don’t really know how to start this post, usually the first sentence is very easy for me but at the moment I feel like I am whining all the time, which really makes me get angry at myself.

Well, I guess things just pile up and I am getting pissed at myself for not being able to control my emotions. I know my plate is full but usually I am a positive person and see the good in everything…but at the moment I could just kick a chunk out of the world and bash the living daylight out of it!!

I have this weird scenario in my head. Call it daydreaming. This just came to mind, while I was looking for a way to find some positivity about all of this…. hahahaha and this is what came to mind. Seriously, my imagination is killing me!!! 😉

I enter my doctor’s office in a good mood and everything. My doctor is standing behind her desk, I can’t see her face, since her back is facing me. As I approach her desk, she turns around, smiling all excited. She is holding something in her arms, something covered in paper, the kind of paper you get at the butcher’s, when buying fresh meat. She looks at me, genuinely smiling, and then carefully hands me whatever she is holding. It’s almost like she is handing me a baby.

“It’s a gain!” she exclaims. “It’s a two-pound gain, how do you want to name it?”

Damn!! I feel like laughing just thinking about this crazy fragment of my imagination. Seriously, I seem to have watched too many episodes of Supernatural recently. This is hilarious!! Well, if you leave out the part that is totally “Supernatural-ish”, that is. 😉

Ja, people. It’s a gain and my imagination is bouncing all around my head, like there is no tomorrow. Where am I going wrong in all this? Am I eating too little or too much, am I working out too little or too much? I seriously need the help of a dietician I think, but at the moment I just can’t afford it.

Well, I am actually contemplating whether to stop using the scale for the time being. It’s just pulling me down at the moment. I know last week I was at a still stand but at least there was a difference about the inches.

There must be something wrong with my system cause I refuse to believe that there is anything but numbers to weight-loss. Seriously, you have more calories than your body needs, you gain, you burn up more calories than needed and your body will eventually drop the pounds. There is no magic to losing weight, I just don’t seem to be able to figure out where I am going wrong.

Well, anyway. I will workout again this afternoon and have a salad or some scrambled eggs…I am not sure yet, depends on my mood I guess. I already cooked some beef for my lovely Kaya, cause I went home during my lunch break to supply her with some much-needed calories.

Oh, speaking of calories, I discovered that I miscalculated the calories on my shake. I actually overestimated the calories in my shake. I estimated that the shake would have almost 550 calories: According to the amount of milk I use, the shake should be 2 servings, so I estimated that each serving had 220 calories plus half a banana (50 calories), thus I ended up at 540 calories. Now calculating everything precisely, I realized that I was off by quite a few calories. Actually my shake is 420 to 450 calories, depending on whether I add a banana or frozen strawberries.

I don’t think that this is the solution to my problem though, I don’t think going 120 calories below target can be the culprit here.

Anyway, apart from the OFFICIAL GAIN of 2 lbs, forcing me back to a weight on 264 lbs, all is well.

Kaya is still fighting, I am still fighting…ja well and Shorty is just snoring and attempting to purr, as always. He is actually overbred, I never thought he might survive Kaya but it seems like this is what will happen at the moment.

Enjoy your Mondays people.

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Woohoo, I am quite happy at the moment. Something happened that, to be honest I am not sure I believed it could happen.

Those of you who drop by on a regular basis, must remember last weeks ordeal of house moving with my parents. If there is anyone new around, you might want to read about it in the 24 hours workout post from last week.

During the house moving, one of my Mom’s cats, Sami, panicked and obviously jumped off the balcony after the security net had been taken down. I wrote about it before. I actually saw Sami on the balcony but just didn’t connect the dots and the fact that the net had been taken down already. Also, before I could actually realize what was happening, Ronny my best friend walked by, whispering to me that my Mom had fallen down, while trying to grab on to Sami as he ran out of her old bedroom. So I rushed upstairs, Sami gone from my mind.

Anyway, the fact that I saw Sami on the balcony and just didn’t get it, made me feel rather bad the last few days. I searched the entire house and never managed to find him, he was gone. Later we all connected the dots and realized that he must have jumped off the balcony. That’s when my Mom went outside to search for him around the house. I followed her because I was worried she might collapse, after all I had checked her pulse earlier and realized that it was quite low and weak, so I was worried that something might happen to her and none of us would actually know where she was at.

Anyway, just imagine!!!!! Sami has been found! And it was my Mom who found him.

Yesterday evening I called my Mom and she was on the run, telling me that my older sister Nicky was on her way to pick her up and drop her off at the old house to search for Sami. Obviously one of the neighbors has a small shed, which has been furnished as a summer day retreat, right next to the old house and she told my Mom that she could stay there for a few days in order to search for Sami. So my Mom arrived there about 11 pm, last night. Some of the other neighbors weren’t so happy about the trap that had been left at the old house in order to trap Sami and get him back.

Every night a cat would be trapped in it, unfortunately it was never Sami and the neighbors didn’t like their cats to be caught in that thing for the night. Leuscherath, where my parents used to live is way off any real town, so the cats living around there are allowed to roam freely. The closest town is Much, which is some 15 kilometer to the south-west, so it’s comparatively save.

Though I couldn’t disagree more, I remember times when my Dad or sister Nicky used to pick me up in Bonn for some holidays or X-Mas, and on the way to my parents house, I would spot three cats lying on the streets, run over. I used to hate the sight of that, to be honest, whenever I see a dead cat on those streets, I get a rush of adrenalin and get all tensed up…maybe another trauma from my childhood??  Who knows.

But let’s get back to Sami. Now, my Mom arrived, got comfy in the shed and started making rounds last night. walking around in the area and calling out Sami’s name.

After 6 hours of being there and making rounds, at 5 am this morning, my Mom was feeding one of the neighbors cats, when another cat approached from the fields at the end of the road. The cats stopped and looked towards her. My Mom wasn’t sure and called out Sami’s name. He started walking towards her and it became clear that it was Sami.

Upon recognizing her, he came closer, purring and roaming against her legs, taking turns in lifting his hind legs and arching his back. What a comfortable cat… 😉

My Mom must have been so relieved. After he had fed next to her, as my younger sister Dana told me, she lifted him up and brought him into the shed, which he didn’t like, since he ruffed up my Mom’s arms to prove. He jumped off my Mom’s arms in the shed and hid somewhere.

Thinking about Sami’s behavioral pattern, my Mom pulled up two chairs, sat down on one chair and placed her legs on the other and as soon as Sami realized what she was doing, he rushed from his hiding and jumped on her lap. I can almost visualize him, turning around twice to find the proper position, before lying down to nap. 😉

I am so relieved. As Dana told me, Sami is a little ruffed up, lost some weight and has a few ticks but apart from that he is fine. 😉

My older sister Nicky will pick them up later in the day to reunite them all in Nordwalde. I am not sure I actually believed Sami would be found, while my sisters clearly stated that they didn’t believe he could be found. Actually I was not sure that he had survived the jump from the balcony, since he is a fat cat after all but I am relieved to see that I was wrong. 😉

I am sure Sami smelled my Mom and that’s why he showed up. Now that this is settled, I am going to enjoy the public holiday today. I would like to make a trip to Nordwalde today but I know that for my sister to pick me up is a detour, so I have to be satisfied with calling later in the day.

It’s a good day people!! 😉

All is well…

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Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have just finished a 24 hour workout. Try to beat that. 😉

So this is just a short update, since I am still not all recuperated from this killer workout.

So what did I do from Tuesday, 5 am, till Wednesday 6:15 am?

 On the workout part, I did about;

  • STAIRMASTER – 3 hours (if I were to add up all the time I spend running up and down the stairs) of doing stairs –  2276 calories burned
  • HOUSE CLEANING – 5 hours of packing stuff into boxes, cleaning rooms, sweeping rooms, searching for a cat up and down the house – 1265 calories burned
  • WALKING – 5 1/2 hours of walking, from one room to the other, from the house to the truck and from the truck to the house, into the basement – 1043 calories burned.
  • WEIGHT LIFTING – carrying lots of boxes, furniture, erm, well, just carrying heavy stuff…can’t think, I am still so exhausted – 885 calories burned.
  • SLEEP DEPRIVATION – 2 1/2 hours of trying to stay focused enough to entertain my brother-in-law while driving home, after all of the above mentioned, in order to survive the night 😉 – Calories burned?? I couldn’t care less. I only wished the words on the street signs on the autobahn had stopped moving weirdly and stopped leaving traces in the air while I tried to look at them!!
  • HYPERVENTILATING – The fear of driving off the street, while going at 43 mp/h, when the truck was HUGE and the street ended right next to me and all I was able to see was a level difference of 5 feet and bushes – Calories burned?? – 50 !!

All in all, I burned around 4710 calories plus an extra of 50 calories for the hyperventilation.

I will write a more detailed post with picture tomorrow, for now – it’s 10:17 pm – I am going back to bed. My muscles ache all over and I long for more sleep.

All in all, nobody anticipated that it would take that long, not Ronny, not Kevin not myself and I am sure none of my family thought it would take that long. It was 3 am, this morning when the last box had left the truck and found a spot in my younger sister’s basement.

Night you all, I am going to bed. 😉

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First of all, my pc is still infected, thus I don’t dare enter any passwords at home ergo I won’t be able to blog from my home pc for the time being. Since I am trying to spend my time with Kaya and Shorty to figure things out, I am lacking the time to reinstall the entire system at the moment. It might still be a few days until I can actually format my pc and get things running again.

Now, about Kaya…

After I went to the vet again on Friday, he told me that the first tests on the fecal specimen came back clear. She is not suffering from any worms, or bacteria or alike, so he told me to call again on Monday to get the remaining results. He “ordered” me to continue feeding Kaya the diet food, which I did. Still on Sunday there is was again, diarrhea. Shorty is suffering a little because he has to eat the same food as Kaya. Poor little fellow, he really misses his normal food. Whenever I get up in the morning they run into the kitchen to get their food…only to be disappointed because, mean ole’ Janet refuses to give it to them.

So yesterday I called the vet again and was told that the results from the poo are in – no abnormalities, meaning according to all the test we have done, Kaya is healthy as can be. After doing it all without actually finding anything, the only remaining conclusion is that Kaya is suffering from a food intolerance. What food though?? Inconclusive! What to do?? Inconclusive!!! Is there anything to treat her, no!

Now, what can be done?? Change her diet!! To what?? Inconclusive!!

Arg!

What the vet told me was to try a diet where I try a certain foods for a couple of days, check her poo and then change to another if there still is diarrhea. Keep doing that until I found out which food she is allergic to but I am not talking about a certain brand, it’s more like what food or food additives is she allergic to!

Yesterday I tried a certain shop close to my place, called “Fressnapf”, meaning feeding bowl. This shop is really specialized in animal stuff but, nope nothing that only contains one kind of meat. Everything there contains several kinds of meat…like why would dry food called salmon paradise contain corn and chicken??

One entire new world of problems is unfolding right before me and the vet is no help really. I might have to start cooking for the cats if this continues but hey, I thought cooking for cats would be doable …but still more problems there, I need to understand the special needs of healthy cats, like how much taurin needs to go into the food…how much vitamin A is too much (which actually can poison cats) and what kind of oil do I need to add to the food, because chicken meat, which is good for me, is actually too lean for my poor little Kaya and Shorty.

Also the books offered on Amazon.de are no big help, the critics are mostly devastating. One book actually gives the wrong amount of Vitamin A, obviously the writer positioned a point at the wrong spot, leading to poisoning if added to the cat food according to the given numbers.

Gosh, there seems to be a lot for me to learn and fast!!!! Kaya is too skinny as it is.

Ronny, who has always been quite indifferent about my cats came by on Sunday to help in eliminating the pc trojan and when he saw Kaya he was actually quite disturbed and annoyed about my vet.

Anyway, as you can see there is so much more going on in my life at the moment then “only” my weight-loss. Since I am not an emotional eater, I am actually doing quite alright. I hope to write about my recent food and workout choices soon.

As for now, I need to rush home and visit another food shop to find food that fits.

*Off to jump start her red Lady*

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