Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Ramblings’ Category

By accident you became part of my life,
and for seven years I started taking you for granted.

You gave me joy and happiness and were a gentle soul.
And you remained so in sickness and health.

After a long sickness you became so weak and thin and while I wished that I could have done more, time was running out and your body just couldn’t take any more.

Today you took on the greatest of all journeys into the great beyond. I will miss you.

KAYA
1999 – 7.Jan. 2013

Words can’t describe how much I miss you.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Okay, I think I have had enough of trying to change everything at once. I am going to return to most of my “old” habits. I actually cancelled my last appointment with the nutritionist – not entirely though, I just changed the date. So my next appointment is in two weeks time on the 20th. These past four weeks I have been bouncing all about the place, even the slightest glance at anything “forbidden” send me spiralling out of control.

Can you imagine cheating your nutritionist with plain bread, or a tbsp of refined sugar in a skillet full of bell pepper?? I can and I did … and I payed the price for it, which was; thinking that now, since I cheated already I could just as well go all the way and have more bad stuff which I am usually not allowed. It was weird how I got from having sugar in my bell pepper, to devouring waffles or chocolate, or something. An office friend of mine told me to drop the nutritionist with the words – “She ain’t good for you Janet!”

Well, first of all … I am not going to drop her!! Well, to be honest, even if I wanted to get out, I don’t think I could get out of the contract I signed.

And seconds of all, I am not beat yet!!

So after three weeks of no progress, actually I took a few steps back I guess, I am starting with what I know and doing so meant also getting a new scale since Kaya peed my old one into oblivion. Yes, she actually peed on it and her urine went into the scale, and killed the display for good. 😦

Lovely cat, isn’t she. 😉

Anyway, so I ordered a new scale and am waiting for its arrival at the moment, I also ordered some cloth to get me motivated again and as of last Monday I am back on the wagon. All the changes she asked me to implement, the no salt, no sugar, no ice coffee and the forced times at which I am supposed to eat resulted in me hitting quite a few bumps on the road, to be exact I started craving things. Like crazy!!

The fact that I had to drop my ice coffee after work but at the same time refused to eat anything in its stead but had to wait until 6 pm before I was “allowed” to eat again caused hardcore cravings for me and I have to admit that I followed the cravings on quite a few occasions. Looks like I am still that old Janet from back when I started. It is quite sobering to see that I can easily fall back into old habits, even more so since I actually believed that I had changed beyond the point of breaking down again like that.

Anyway, since I have returned to my ice coffee I feel like I might be able to regain control. Oh and I also kicked the timing for my dinner. Now I start cooking when I get hungry and that’s it about that!!!

I had a talk with Ronny today and that made me fear that I might get to feel some heat from my nutritionist. Telling her that it was all too much … well, and that I returned to having ice coffee. I really feel the pressure at the moment since when it comes to weight-loss, I am the one who always wants to prove herself.

Well, we’ll see. Okay, what have I been up to recently. Lot’s of Red Cross is happening at the moment. Once I returned from work, I feed the cats, clean the litter box, then have about 20 minutes for my milk coffee before I change into my uniform and get going again. At the moment St. Martin is happening over here again, so we have processions every day. I was on duty Monday, Tuesday and today, Ronny and I are manning our small ambulance together and drive behind the procession in order to keep the following traffic from driving into the crowds.

Our small ambulance and Ronny

Lanterns at the side of the road

Also last weekend I instructed another first aid course for some Red Cross newbies, which turned out quite fun, despite me having to slap Torsten’s fingers since he kept interrupting my course.

Doing CPR with the help of a defibrillator

About the apartment for my parents, we are going to sign the contract on Monday. My parents will arrive on Sunday, stay over night and leave with the train after everything is settled.

Oh and by the way, after the realtor had called, telling me that we got the place, my sleeping problems disappeared and I haven’t had any further episodes of panic or alike and I hope it will stay this way. I am still going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure since I am also interested to find out about my cholesterol levels due to all the meat I have been having these past few month. I will keep you updated on it and also try to become a regular writer again.

That’s it for today … ah one more thing, what do you guys think about the re-election of Obama, since I can only look at it from the outside, I would really like to hear about what you think.

Night folks!

Read Full Post »

Oh my, this morning I was totally contemplating whether to go to work or not but I am happy I decided to go after all.

Something weird happened last night – I think – I am not sure though, did I dream?? Anyway, I think I jumped out of bed, took two steps into my living room, turned around once, looking right and left and then went back into bed.

So – either I am suffering from panic attacks or something might be wrong with my heart. You guys remember that I mentioned before, that I would experience this weird sensation just moments before falling asleep. I would hear my heartbeat extremely loud in my ears and then be wide awake right away.

I think I experienced some extreme version of it last night because I clearly remember jumping out of bed, wander around shortly and then return to bed … but then again I am not sure whether it was a dream after all.

So this got me a little concerned, after all I have been suffering from stomach pains for month now and stomach pains can also have meaning in that regard, so I called my doctor today but had no luck. She is on vacation until Friday and I don’t want to go to the hospital and ask them for a 24 hour ECG, cause they won’t do it. Also the doctor who is substituting for her won’t do it either, since he/she is not my doctor.

I am thinking it’s only stress but it has been going on for 2 month now, so being a medic, I should most certainly stop ignoring and figure out what’s going on. The thing is, my stress should now come to an end since I got the call today!! People, we have the apartment for my parents!!! YAY!!!

But let me start at the beginning …

Okay, my older sister and Mom arrived around 3 pm on Sunday. I had prepared some cauliflower pizza, we  ate together and they all loved it. Afterwards Nicky left again and Mom and I went for a walk. I showed her the street where the new apartment would be situated and we walked into Friesdorf, where my parents would have to do their shopping.

Only 10 minutes walk from the place there is a swimming bath, 2 banks, 2 supermarkets, bakeries, pharmacies, a post office, kiosk and bus stops going to either Bonn or Bad Godesberg. She was a little overwhelmed I think but that is totally understandable, after all she spend the last 6 years in a village with only 6 buildings or so. We then walked back and talked about my cousin and her children, where Mom is staying at the moment. Oh, by the way, Dad has returned from his stay at the health spa, so he is staying there too at the moment.

Once we returned we had dinner – which is usually bread here in Germany. I went along with it and had 2 slices of bread with cheese. Then we had lots and lots of tea and talked and talked and talked until we eventually went to bed. I prepared my bed on the ground, while my Mom took the bed. Much to my surprise, Shorty follow me and took his usual spot next to my head, only this time he was a little confused about the location I guess. 😉

Kaya on the other hand decided to stay away and spend the night on the cat tree.

Despite the heater being on and the window closed, I got up in the middle of the night and tuned up the heater all the way, I was so cold … but hey, no incident that night. 😉

Anyway, the next morning after breakfast we went to Friesdorf again and did some shopping and spend the rest of the day talking and waiting. Waiting fo 3:30pm, when we could eventually get going and meet the realtor/landlord.

We also checked the site of the realtor and were shocked to find that the apartment he had invited us to look at, had been published – how dumb of us, we had thought that we were the only one to look at the place. No, we were not, there were 3 women and one man also interested in that flat and while my Mom was so excited and ready to basically show all her cards at once, I tried to signal her to wait with the “real” questions until the rest of them were gone.

The apartment was still furnished since the old lady who had lived there before, had been transferred to a nursing home only a couple of days before that. It was obvious that nothing had been done in that apartment for a while, like renovating. The wallpaper was yellowed and seemed as if it had been brought in the 70’s. So the place was in no good condition. By the way, here in Germany you don’t move into furnished apartments, when you move in, there is nothing in there, you basically always have to bring all your own stuff, even the kitchen. So you move into empty rooms, whenever you move. You can make a deal with the previous tenant and buy their kitchen if  they offer to sell it but if the old tenant wants to take his or her kitchen along you are forced to either make your own kitchen fit into the new rooms or buy a new kitchen.

Anyway, after the other people were gone we talked business and my Mom decided to take it. He said he would call me today and we then left.

We then took a cab to Bad Godesberg, had a Latte Macchiato in front of my Red Cross unit’s house and I then we walked to the train station and I took care she would get a seat in the train, since it was after work rush hour.

I felt a little bad leaving her in the train but I had to work today and spending another 40 € to accompany her and then take the train back to Bonn again would have been a little too much.

I took the bus back home but got off at Ronnie’s place and spend another 90 minutes at his place before I eventually walked home again. I took a shower, grabbed my cats and was off to bed.

This morning I had only arrived at work when I got a bunch of calls. First the head of my psychological attendant group called, informing me that I would be somehow responsible for organising the upcoming meetings of the group, since she would be on vacation for 4 weeks. Then my Red Cross unit boss called talking to me about the upcoming First Aid course this weekend and the assignments for St. Martin in the next week.

And then came the call I had been waiting for – the realtor!!

WE HAVE THE APARTMENT !!!

We decided to meet again on the 12th to sign the contract, so I am taking off that day again since my parents will both arrive on the 11th, stay over night and then take the train back after everything is done. Also some more good news, the realtor is going to give us 14 days to do the renovations and moving without having the pay rent. So in December – we can start renovating on December 1st – they will only have to pay half the rent.

YAY!!!

So, this X-Mas, they will have their own place and all will be good. Hopefully. 😉

I am off to bed now, real tired. Everybody on the east cost – God bless and be safe.

Night folks.

Read Full Post »

Yay, the week is over and I am quite happy about it.

Work-wise I didn’t get a lot done again, which is natural after all I have to give the new colleague the “big” training. I have got to explain everything and make her write it down as well, so she will create her own copy of it all and have the means to start working on her own at an early point.

Also Jens, the other sick colleague called, and told me that he is likely going to be sick for the all of November, so the sooner Beatrix is ready to start supporting us in some way, the better.

So I left work around 2:30 pm and did the weekend shopping. I only need to get some water tomorrow after the LSM course I am doing tomorrow again. This time it’S going to be the English version of it. I am not yet sure how many people are going to attend the class, haven’t yet talked to Torsten about it.

I am not really looking forward to it though, I really wish for some days off and sleeping in. But that will come, since I talked to my Mom this afternoon and my older sister is going to drop her off at my place on Sunday. So Mom is going to stay over night and I took Monday off, to avoid all the hassle of having to hurry home fast on Monday. Also I really hope for some alone time with her and I can spoil my Mom for a day and cook some of the things I have learned by now.

So tomorrow is another day of work, then Sunday morning is going to be house shore time and once Nicky and my Mom arrive we will get comfortable. Maybe she can teach me some techniques on meditation and alike, after all I still haven’t managed to fully lock up my problems in my mental “safe”. By the way, I renovated my mental safe and have decided to make it look like the pensieve in Hatty Potter. 😉 It’s working so far.

After shopping I took care that Kaya took her antibiotics and drove by Ronny’s place for some coffee. It’s been some time since I drove by like that …

Anyway, I am too lazy now to take a shower, I wasn’t even ready to cook and just opened a pre-washed salad with some dressing included.  I know, I know, that thing most certainly contained a good amount of carbs AND salt, the dressing that is, but I am giving myself a break and – while I still avoid salt when cooking I am returning to some of my old “good” habits. I keep my carb intake after 5 pm as low as possible but I am not going to force myself anymore. At least at the moment. I hope, that once the apartment is ours for sure, I might find back to my old determination.

Anyway, I am going to bed now, so everyone enjoy your weekend and make good use of the time.

Night folks. 😉

Read Full Post »

Okay, I think now I feel a little bit more composed to write something positive here and not always keep you all “entertained” – and I am being ironic here – with the mostly downs of my life.

YEAH!!! Eventually some good news!!

Kaya is doing better again and she also started refraining from purging every night. Since we started the antibiotics she has only purged once during the night and once during the day and both times it was only a little bit, so perhaps the antibiotics are not only working on her bladder but also on her stomach or whatever is causing her to gt rid of her food occasionally. So good news for my nerves and my carpet. 😉

Also when I got to work this morning there was a mail from my boss that he actually send one hour after I had left yesterday and that mail surprised me positively. The mail stated that a new temp employee would start today. So when I read it this morning I was only 2 hours away from her starting and I felt great relief!! So more positive news, YAY!!!

My boss even came by earlier than anticipated and brought the “new”, well temporary but still new colleague. She is rather young, maybe in her early 20’s and obviously had been borrowed by my company before. She knows the software that we are working with and has some knowledge of the things we do here, so that is rather good.

Despite Olga having her day off today, she came by to drop of her oldest at our kindergarten and so she was also introduced to the new girl. I basically spend the entire day to get her situated and get all the stuff she needs and also explain our filing system, show her everything and then start going through the first steps of what and how we do things in our department.

So it’s fair to say that we didn’t really get a whole lot done, since we only started the real work around 1 pm. It was so sweet when Beatrix, that her name, asked me whether she would be allowed to sit next to me the next day and have a little more training. I almost laughed out loud. “Of course”, I told her and then elaborated on the fact that she will get a full training and might sit next to me for a week at least, before I would let her run off on her own. 😉

So that makes good news times two.

AND THEN … there was even more.

I am laughing just remembering it. Okay, so here it goes. I was in the bathroom, my pants down, when my phone rang and it was the landlord. Just imagine, it was hilarious.

So I picked it up and since I was in the bathroom my voice echoed somehow and the landlord asked whether this was a good time. Ah well, I looked down at my pants and decided to delay flushing the toilet for just a moment longer and replied. “Ah, sure!”

To be honest I didn’t expect any call from him that very day, since I had called him on Tuesday and had been told then, that the apartment which was originally meant for my parents, had been evacuated/vacated the previous day and that it was not fit for any new tenant. My hopes had then hit bottom, since I had talked to my Mom the day before and she had been at her wits and patients end that day. So it’s fair to say that I was almost devastated at having to call my Mom to tell her that it would still take longer.

Anyway, so me with my pants down got the best news ever. He told me that another tenant had decided to leave and that this apartment was the same size as the one which was out of the question and that we could view it on Monday at 4 pm. YAY to that!!!

So I called my Mom once I got off the phone and out of the bathroom. I don’t know yet whether my Mom is taking the train to get here or whether I can mobilize someone to pick her up but I am just happy. I am not even thinking about doing the renovation, which will probably fall on me along the way, I am just happy.

On a side note, this is exactly what I wished for Monday. So Monday I left my apartment with some trash to drop in the container. On my way back to the scooter, I stopped for a moment to look at the sky. The sky was all clear, not one cloud and the stars were breath-taking. For a moment I contemplated the vast nothingness out there and how we are nothing in light of it all, when right at the spot I was looking at a falling star burned out in the atmosphere.

I couldn’t keep myself from uttering a dreamy “Oooooohhhhhh!”

I stared at this tiny path of sky for a moment longer when I remember that I was supposed to wish for something, right?? So I did and I got half of it today.

The other half of my wish was, that I eventually get a grip on my weight-loss journey again since I have been struggling a little these past 2 weeks. I seem to subconsciously be revolting against the ideas of my nutritionist, taking offense at all the changes, which seems to get me tripping all the time. Part could also be that it is TOM time again but I can’t keep blaming TOM for it all the time, so I need to get a grip.

Since it’s all too much at the moment I decided to just have my ice coffee again, just until I have gotten everything else covered, like the absolutely no carb and no salt rule after 5 pm. Once I get that under control I feel that I can take care of my emotional drinking of ice coffee.

Anyway, that’s it for today, I am off with another feel good song of the day from Shahrukh Khan  – Deewangi, Deewangi

Read Full Post »

Ja, the weekend has been over for a few days now but it’s so stressful at the moment that I write once I have some time, so bear with me here.

Last Saturday I had a Red Cross training for my psychological attendant group and we did mental hygiene in that training. It was quite cool and actually just what I needed. How to get rid of all the bad things one piles up internally, should be useful in the long run.

We also did some mental exercises during the training. The inner garden, the peaceful place and the safe, are just some. The inner garden is a garden that you create in your mind, where you can return to whenever you feel like it, so is the peaceful place.

Basically you sit down straight but comfortable or in the Fiaker position, invented by the hackney carriage drivers in the last century. Basically you sit down, lean forward and place your elbows on you knees and let your head hang down. Then you concentrate on those places that you have created before and just spend some time there.

For us, who tried it for the first time, we sat down and then our instructor basically lead us through the steps of creating our garden, the peaceful place and the safe, or strong room.

I managed to create all of them and when we did our third exercise I was actually gone and had all forgotten about me being in class somewhere in Alfter, where the training was at. After the training was over I even managed to forget my food box with the yoghurt that I had brought as a snack. 😦

The food we got there was terribly salty, a concoction of potatoes, some mushrooms in a sauce and some meat covered by bread crumbs and then fried. The salad we had as a side dish was good but also way too salty. When I got home I was totally off my game and I don’t really know why, perhaps the fact that I didn’t have my snack, nor did I follow the timing of my food, might have had something to do with it. So I did not only fall back on having salt that day but have been having my struggles with anything sweet these past few days.

I know I should not only avoid salt, which has been working for me these past four days, since I got back on the salt-less challenge on Monday but should also stay away from anything sweet, which has been pushing my boundaries lately.

At the moment I feel like I am restraining myself 24/7 – no milk coffee!! I mean seriously NO MILK COFFEE!!!!!! This is killing me more than anything and to be honest I really broke that rule on three out of five days. If I don’t get a handle on this I am worried my next appointment with the nutritionist will turn out a tour de force. 😦

And the fact that people around me keep telling me that I am overdoing it and that there has to be some quality in life, is not helping much. I know I am being hard on myself big time but I also know that once I get the routine, I might be able to handle giving myself a break a little better.

Salt-less check but avoid carbs – I mean, I am not even allowed to have balsamic after 5 pm – mayor disaster I think!! Having a milk coffee can already trigger me going whatever. Having pineapple in my curry, forget it, sugar in my fried bell pepper? Don’t even think about it!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

But this is what I wanted, right?? Someone to tell me what I am doing wrong and this is what I got. It’s hilarious, I am paying to be tortured and putting myself under pressure to meet expectations 😉

Well, I guess I will make a trip to my inner garden in a moment to refocus and find my inner strength again.

Night to you all. 😉

Song if the day is Pumped up kicks from Foster the People

Read Full Post »

Don’t worry, I could almost see how, upon reading the title, you all go – NO!!! JANET DON’T DO IT, DON’T DESTROY ALL YOUR PROGRESS!!

Don’t worry, people, I might have said “bye-bye” to any and all restrictions that I have created for myself and lived with in the past 2 1/2 years – but don’t you worry, while I just let go of everything, I am still living with them.

After all 2 1/2 years of slowly creating my own, healthier eating habits have left quite a few traces in my life. So I am not drowning in sweets, or fries, or anything unhealthy of that sort. I am still standing by what I have been doing these past 6 month but won’t allow myself to be forced into certain choices, because – OMG, tomorrow is weigh-in day!! – I am sure most of you get what I am saying here.

Ever since I started my weight-loss journey, I have been placing too much meaning on my weigh-in days – at times, it went as far as to reducing what I ate to a limit on the day prior to weigh-in. Well, I think those of you who followed my food choices will have been able to see a certain trend come Friday, when my weigh-in was still on Saturday. I changed this trend when shifting my weigh-ins to Tuesday because that way I managed to keep myself from falling off the wagon during the weekends.

Had I only known before, that changing my weigh-in day from Saturday would be making the weekends so much more easy on me.

Anyway, what have I been doing these past few days. Well, I allowed myself one system glitch on Tuesday, when I had starved myself almost the entire day, having had only one shake, some crisp bread with thinly sliced chicken and one apple.  Had I returned home right after work, I would have been fine but since I still had to go for the appointment with the nutritionist, I was basically seeing food in the clouds when I entered one of my locals supermarkets.

Well, it’s fair to say that I bought quite a few things that late afternoon which I shouldn’t have bought and which are now going to get dusty in my shelves.

While I walked through the aisles I kept making plans about what to cook if I bought this or that and so I bought this and that. Actually I even bought some frozen fries and this is what I then went for upon returning home. So I guess it’s safe to say that those fries where an emotional choice that evening.

I know that I didn’t tell the nutritionist that I have eggs and fish every now and then – but the thing is, I also told her that I am not often going for meat because I just never feel like it and I guess this information stuck with her, which caused her to tell me that without protein I can’t lose weight. Add the sentence about my breakfast, meaning oats having too many calories and the one about me making lots of stuff wrong and et voila you get me into the mood to just “whatever” it all!!

I am quite happy to announce though, that the fries where the only emotional disaster which I allowed myself before returning to my usual routine the next morning.

No, I didn’t ravish my apartment looking for anything unhealthy to fall even deeper into the abyss of self-pity and despair. Instead, I just enjoyed the fries and, then dealt with my emotions and went back onto the right path.

While doing so, I discarded all baggage, emotional and otherwise and decided to drop my weigh-in routine and the terror and fear of weigh-in days with it.

So, no more weigh-ins for the time being. No more, oh, I need to take care about what I eat, because tomorrow is weigh-in. I have gotten rid of all those – I don’t know for how long but getting rid of it was liberating. Very liberating as a matter of fact.

I am still on the journey but the decision about how to proceed and where to walk from here is on hiatus.

So, I am making the same decisions as before but have not the slightest idea what my weight is and I couldn’t care less!!!

Screw the pressure!!

Okay, apart from the recent emotional aspects of my journey, I managed to get quite a few calls done. Called my insurance and was told that the nutritionist is not certified with my insurance. Called the nutritionist and got them to call my insurance and actually certify their services – YEAH!!

Also after trying for two days to get my doctor, I eventually called another doctor in the area and found out that something is/was wrong with my doctors husband and that’s why I couldn’t reach her.

I managed to reach her today but unfortunately I didn’t manage to drive by today, to drop off my request for my doctor’s approval, so I will have to do that tomorrow during my break, unless, my doctor will go on strike tomorrow, since this is an option at the moment. The doctors want more support from the insurances and government. So people keep your fingers crossed that my doctor won’t be one of them joining the ranks.

Once I dropped it off and my doctor agrees, all that is left to do is fax it to my insurance and wait for their approval. Then, I can start my sessions with the nutritionist. Oh, what as hassle. Of course there is still the problem of coming up with the part of the money that my insurance is nor going to cover but that will be dealt with next month. I’ll manage … I certainly must manage and I will.

So that were the last few days. I am still eating the way I used to eat the past few month and will continue to do so, my scale will for once get to know what dust is and be that only for a couple of weeks. Feels good!

I am off for now, going to bed, so night everyone.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »