Posts Tagged ‘mental-health’

Yay, the week is over and I am quite happy about it.

Work-wise I didn’t get a lot done again, which is natural after all I have to give the new colleague the “big” training. I have got to explain everything and make her write it down as well, so she will create her own copy of it all and have the means to start working on her own at an early point.

Also Jens, the other sick colleague called, and told me that he is likely going to be sick for the all of November, so the sooner Beatrix is ready to start supporting us in some way, the better.

So I left work around 2:30 pm and did the weekend shopping. I only need to get some water tomorrow after the LSM course I am doing tomorrow again. This time it’S going to be the English version of it. I am not yet sure how many people are going to attend the class, haven’t yet talked to Torsten about it.

I am not really looking forward to it though, I really wish for some days off and sleeping in. But that will come, since I talked to my Mom this afternoon and my older sister is going to drop her off at my place on Sunday. So Mom is going to stay over night and I took Monday off, to avoid all the hassle of having to hurry home fast on Monday. Also I really hope for some alone time with her and I can spoil my Mom for a day and cook some of the things I have learned by now.

So tomorrow is another day of work, then Sunday morning is going to be house shore time and once Nicky and my Mom arrive we will get comfortable. Maybe she can teach me some techniques on meditation and alike, after all I still haven’t managed to fully lock up my problems in my mental “safe”. By the way, I renovated my mental safe and have decided to make it look like the pensieve in Hatty Potter. 😉 It’s working so far.

After shopping I took care that Kaya took her antibiotics and drove by Ronny’s place for some coffee. It’s been some time since I drove by like that …

Anyway, I am too lazy now to take a shower, I wasn’t even ready to cook and just opened a pre-washed salad with some dressing included.  I know, I know, that thing most certainly contained a good amount of carbs AND salt, the dressing that is, but I am giving myself a break and – while I still avoid salt when cooking I am returning to some of my old “good” habits. I keep my carb intake after 5 pm as low as possible but I am not going to force myself anymore. At least at the moment. I hope, that once the apartment is ours for sure, I might find back to my old determination.

Anyway, I am going to bed now, so everyone enjoy your weekend and make good use of the time.

Night folks. 😉


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Okay, I think now I feel a little bit more composed to write something positive here and not always keep you all “entertained” – and I am being ironic here – with the mostly downs of my life.

YEAH!!! Eventually some good news!!

Kaya is doing better again and she also started refraining from purging every night. Since we started the antibiotics she has only purged once during the night and once during the day and both times it was only a little bit, so perhaps the antibiotics are not only working on her bladder but also on her stomach or whatever is causing her to gt rid of her food occasionally. So good news for my nerves and my carpet. 😉

Also when I got to work this morning there was a mail from my boss that he actually send one hour after I had left yesterday and that mail surprised me positively. The mail stated that a new temp employee would start today. So when I read it this morning I was only 2 hours away from her starting and I felt great relief!! So more positive news, YAY!!!

My boss even came by earlier than anticipated and brought the “new”, well temporary but still new colleague. She is rather young, maybe in her early 20’s and obviously had been borrowed by my company before. She knows the software that we are working with and has some knowledge of the things we do here, so that is rather good.

Despite Olga having her day off today, she came by to drop of her oldest at our kindergarten and so she was also introduced to the new girl. I basically spend the entire day to get her situated and get all the stuff she needs and also explain our filing system, show her everything and then start going through the first steps of what and how we do things in our department.

So it’s fair to say that we didn’t really get a whole lot done, since we only started the real work around 1 pm. It was so sweet when Beatrix, that her name, asked me whether she would be allowed to sit next to me the next day and have a little more training. I almost laughed out loud. “Of course”, I told her and then elaborated on the fact that she will get a full training and might sit next to me for a week at least, before I would let her run off on her own. 😉

So that makes good news times two.

AND THEN … there was even more.

I am laughing just remembering it. Okay, so here it goes. I was in the bathroom, my pants down, when my phone rang and it was the landlord. Just imagine, it was hilarious.

So I picked it up and since I was in the bathroom my voice echoed somehow and the landlord asked whether this was a good time. Ah well, I looked down at my pants and decided to delay flushing the toilet for just a moment longer and replied. “Ah, sure!”

To be honest I didn’t expect any call from him that very day, since I had called him on Tuesday and had been told then, that the apartment which was originally meant for my parents, had been evacuated/vacated the previous day and that it was not fit for any new tenant. My hopes had then hit bottom, since I had talked to my Mom the day before and she had been at her wits and patients end that day. So it’s fair to say that I was almost devastated at having to call my Mom to tell her that it would still take longer.

Anyway, so me with my pants down got the best news ever. He told me that another tenant had decided to leave and that this apartment was the same size as the one which was out of the question and that we could view it on Monday at 4 pm. YAY to that!!!

So I called my Mom once I got off the phone and out of the bathroom. I don’t know yet whether my Mom is taking the train to get here or whether I can mobilize someone to pick her up but I am just happy. I am not even thinking about doing the renovation, which will probably fall on me along the way, I am just happy.

On a side note, this is exactly what I wished for Monday. So Monday I left my apartment with some trash to drop in the container. On my way back to the scooter, I stopped for a moment to look at the sky. The sky was all clear, not one cloud and the stars were breath-taking. For a moment I contemplated the vast nothingness out there and how we are nothing in light of it all, when right at the spot I was looking at a falling star burned out in the atmosphere.

I couldn’t keep myself from uttering a dreamy “Oooooohhhhhh!”

I stared at this tiny path of sky for a moment longer when I remember that I was supposed to wish for something, right?? So I did and I got half of it today.

The other half of my wish was, that I eventually get a grip on my weight-loss journey again since I have been struggling a little these past 2 weeks. I seem to subconsciously be revolting against the ideas of my nutritionist, taking offense at all the changes, which seems to get me tripping all the time. Part could also be that it is TOM time again but I can’t keep blaming TOM for it all the time, so I need to get a grip.

Since it’s all too much at the moment I decided to just have my ice coffee again, just until I have gotten everything else covered, like the absolutely no carb and no salt rule after 5 pm. Once I get that under control I feel that I can take care of my emotional drinking of ice coffee.

Anyway, that’s it for today, I am off with another feel good song of the day from Shahrukh Khan  – Deewangi, Deewangi

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I am on adrenaline right now, my hands are shaky and my legs feel trembly.

There it is, this huge ball of something in my guts.

Something I hate so much and tried to avoid for weeks needs to be done in a moment.

I need to take a blanket and place it in the transport box, then use the bathroom a few times since I am so nervous, make the call for a taxi and then catch the little black fur ball, my beloved Kaya to lock her into the box and get going.

Will it be today?? Or will it only be an inflammation of the bladder??

Whenever I need to make the trip to the vet, I expect those dreaded words now. Any time now I think. Is she already suffering. it’s so hard. I pray that it’s nothing serious but the way she has been sick these past few month I am not sure she is still fine.

Kaya had problems with peeing on Wednesday and yesterday all was fine again. This poor little fur ball went from toilet to toilet for 2 hours, peed on me twice, while sleeping on my shoulder until eventually she was able to pee.

Today it’s the same, she is roaming the litter boxes on the run. Try the box in the kitchen, then the one in the hallway and back to the kitchen. Actually today she made a few stops on my carpet and left a few drops here and there.

My Mom just told me not to take her home anymore if the vet encourages the last … option.

Can’t think about it anymore now … call cab now Janet, call cab ……………….


I just returned from the vet, as of now it’s an inflammation of the bladder, she is on antibiotics for now and I need to get a sample of urin to the vet when she is feeling better. The time frame is 30 minutes from taking the sample to dropping it off. Things never seem to calm down over here. 😦



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Gee, I just spend the last few minutes crawling after Kaya with a plate of food pushing forward. What we do for our cats, right?

Kaya is having another problematic phase at the moment and in order to get her to eat CAT FOOD and stop begging me for HUMAN FOOD, I had to get crawling I guess. She ate a little in the kitchen, then walked away, so I sat down next to her and kept on pushing the plate towards her. She would eat again and then parade away again. So I followed her with the plate, knelt down beside her and pretended to eat her food upon which she once again had a few bites.

Following her cat-wise, unfortunately got old for her pretty soon but I hope she had enough to eat not to purge this night. The last few nights were rather bad in that regard. My carpet looks …  well, let’s not talk about it.

But hey, I have got my special cat stain remover, so all is good.

There have been quite a few occasions within the last few month when I thought Kaya might be “leaving” soon but so far she has always fought through and still be her old self, so I won’t estimate anything about the end of her life anymore.

Anyway, but there are also some more news from this side of the world. YAY!!!

On Monday when I went back to the office I found an email in my work account. The mail was from the landlord of the place that I looked at a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, getting him to even consider my parents has been quite a hassle so far. I had to scan all sorts of documents for the landlord and the city hall since my parents are both retired and considering the health history of my Dad there is no way he can work anymore. Also my Mom has a new hip and all, so there is no way she could work a 9-5 anymore. So they have to live off their retirement money, which is nothing to live a luxurious life with.

Anyway, here in Germany there are a few flats that are supported by the city you are living in and the landlord is basically only renting  out places that are supported, meaning that the rent is about 150 € cheaper than if it weren’t supported. BUT – in order to be admissible to these supported flats, you need a document from the town hall and in order to get that you have to turn in all sorts of documents, and the original signature from my Mom, so it turned out quite the adventure. I am doing the organising here on my own, after all my sisters are living 40 and 200 km from Bonn.

Blabla, I am talking too much it seems. Soooooo, when the landlord asked whether I would vouch for my parents, I got a little concerned and prayed that he would accept me as a guarantor … and … he did!!!

In the email he basically told me that there was another vacancy in the same house on the first floor and that he would accept me as guarantor. He will call me in 2 weeks time to make an appointment to look at the flat. YAYYYYYY!!!!

When reading the email I felt goosepimpels all over my body and realized how much pressure I had been under when I felt this weight suddenly being lifted off my shoulders. So I am sooooo happy,

And song of the day is a cover of Creep by the Scala & Kolacny Brothers

Night folks. 😉

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Mh, things are a little crazy in my mind at th moment, all kinds of emotions are having a party, or more like a war in my head at the moment.

But let me start at the beginning.

This morning – don’t ask me what caused the idea – I started searching for a nutritionist on the internet (could have been my weigh-in, which prompted me with a 2.9 lbs gain) and took the first I found, I think.

Gave them a call even before 9 am and was lucky when the call was answered. I told the lady on the phone what I was looking for and was lucky, when she told me that I could come by this afternoon at 4 pm.

After that I called my insurance to figure out whether they have the nutritionists name on their lists, which would mean that they accept her, which they did. The person on the phone actually knew of her. They told me that 25 € per session would be covered, unfortunately I didn’t ask how many sessions they would cover. They also told me that I need my doctor to sign a written paper stating that it would be necessary for me to go to a nutritionist.

So, I called my doctor to get them to sign it. I was quite ready to fight when I called the doctor’s office because I had asked the women working at her reception for it before a couple of month ago and was told that they didn’t know of anything of that sort.

Unfortunately my call was never answered and I called like 60 times during the course of the day. Also the answering machine didn’t work, so I don’t really know whether they chose just not to answer any calls today or whether they are on vacation.

So I am quite disappointed that this will have to wait a little longer.

Anyway, I have to call my insurance again tomorrow and ask the right questions but Bernd, my brother-in-law will also meet some people from my insurance this Thursday, so he will help me as well.

So, I stayed longer at work and left at 3:30 pm to be there in time.

The nutritionist’s office

The place is quite nice, looking stylish, which could be expected when checking her rates. The rates are quite high with all of them and only minor changes can be expected, I guess. If you follow the link I posted a few paragraphs up, you will have a picture of Dr. Claudia Laupert-Deick, the nutritionist I have chosen to trust – well not completely yet, there is still the question about how to come up with 500 $ within a month.

While I had to wait some 7 minutes, I zapped through a magazine – what Brad Pitt called Jenifer Aniston to congratulate her on her engagement ? –  and then I was greeted with my name and asked to enter her office. I told her about my weight-loss journey so far and I am sure I saw some twitches when I mentioned Herbalife, my oats in the morning and not eating enough meat. INTERESTING!!

Oh, obviously I know sooooo little – but that’s why I came to her, right? Obviously my oats and milk coffee in the morning present my body with too many calories for breakfast. 😦

Anyway, it turns out that from what I told her she could already tell that I was making things wrong, when asked further she exclaimed quite enthusiastically, that I was like a “black box” to her and it was her job to figure it all out. Err … okay …

Am I grasping at straws here people??

I really want to go for it but 500 $ (388€) will have to be paid within a month, since 4-5 appointments have to be dealt with in the first 4 weeks and she already told me that the payments need to be done in maximum 3 rates.

Mh …

I told her that I would sleep over it and make my decision upon which she handed me some sheets for a food diary, which needs to be filled out over the course of one week and some more reading material, which I will have to go through tomorrow.

BUT, I have already come to one decision – I need to refocus and have decided to take off some pressure which leads to taking a break of things!! Don’t worry, I am not going to take a break from blogging but I will take a break from my daily weigh-ins and also take a step back from Herbalife and possibly my oats … 😦

I will take todays weigh-in as a new starting point and let go of too much control for now. I am not going to post my food choices for some time, while still entering it one Loseit! though.

I will take some time to find my chi, if you will.

Where have I come from and where am I heading from here – what do I want? Call it soul-searching.

So that’s it for today people, I am off to bed now.

Night you all! 😉

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Sorry, I didn’t write anything yesterday but the heat was just killing me. I didn’t do the planned hike in the woods because when I got up just a few minutes past 8 am, the sun was already blazing like there is no tomorrow.

The weather forecast estimated up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit and this time they were right and I thought it wiser not to go for my hike. Also, I have decided to slow down a little bit on the workout front because the  past two weeks or so,  I have been feeling quite restless at night, but not in a good manner.

It’s nothing physically, I guess its emotional. When I am just about to fall asleep suddenly I have the feeling like my heart is beating louder and louder, which it is not. Everything is normal but once I have had the sensation of imagining my heart beating louder I have to change position in bed and am wide awake again.

This has been happening for a few days now. There are nights like this anyway and then again I am having nights when I fall asleep without anything of that sort. I have a pretty good idea as to why this is happening to me and as written before, its psychological.

Emotionally, at the moment I feel as if I stuck my fingers into an electric socket and I am waiting for someone to either pull me back or pull the fuse. Nothing of that sort is happening, and since I don’t know how to release the mental and emotional stress I am under, by myself, this is how my body reacts. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those days I wake up from grinding my teeth while asleep.

ALL IS GOOD – ALL IS GOOD – All Is Good – All is good – all is good – all is good – allisgoodallisgoodallisgood!!!!

All. is. good.

I understand now. I am going to step back. Things that are meant to happen, will happen, regardless of my wishes.

I just hope that I am really decided and that my subconscious will acknowledge my mindset and stop keeping me awake when I want to sleep.

I am in the mood of watching plate versus wall, just to see that plate is going to lose of course but I am not doing it because, you know what, plate will never win – been there, done that – and it would ruin a perfectly good plate in the process.

This is it, I am basically too drained to write. I fear, I might try keyboard against wall instead.

So here is what I had the last two days.

DAY 60 – flea market day

and yesterday

DAY 61

Night folks …

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