Archive for the ‘scary’ Category

By accident you became part of my life,
and for seven years I started taking you for granted.

You gave me joy and happiness and were a gentle soul.
And you remained so in sickness and health.

After a long sickness you became so weak and thin and while I wished that I could have done more, time was running out and your body just couldn’t take any more.

Today you took on the greatest of all journeys into the great beyond. I will miss you.

1999 – 7.Jan. 2013

Words can’t describe how much I miss you.


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Oh my, this morning I was totally contemplating whether to go to work or not but I am happy I decided to go after all.

Something weird happened last night – I think – I am not sure though, did I dream?? Anyway, I think I jumped out of bed, took two steps into my living room, turned around once, looking right and left and then went back into bed.

So – either I am suffering from panic attacks or something might be wrong with my heart. You guys remember that I mentioned before, that I would experience this weird sensation just moments before falling asleep. I would hear my heartbeat extremely loud in my ears and then be wide awake right away.

I think I experienced some extreme version of it last night because I clearly remember jumping out of bed, wander around shortly and then return to bed … but then again I am not sure whether it was a dream after all.

So this got me a little concerned, after all I have been suffering from stomach pains for month now and stomach pains can also have meaning in that regard, so I called my doctor today but had no luck. She is on vacation until Friday and I don’t want to go to the hospital and ask them for a 24 hour ECG, cause they won’t do it. Also the doctor who is substituting for her won’t do it either, since he/she is not my doctor.

I am thinking it’s only stress but it has been going on for 2 month now, so being a medic, I should most certainly stop ignoring and figure out what’s going on. The thing is, my stress should now come to an end since I got the call today!! People, we have the apartment for my parents!!! YAY!!!

But let me start at the beginning …

Okay, my older sister and Mom arrived around 3 pm on Sunday. I had prepared some cauliflower pizza, we  ate together and they all loved it. Afterwards Nicky left again and Mom and I went for a walk. I showed her the street where the new apartment would be situated and we walked into Friesdorf, where my parents would have to do their shopping.

Only 10 minutes walk from the place there is a swimming bath, 2 banks, 2 supermarkets, bakeries, pharmacies, a post office, kiosk and bus stops going to either Bonn or Bad Godesberg. She was a little overwhelmed I think but that is totally understandable, after all she spend the last 6 years in a village with only 6 buildings or so. We then walked back and talked about my cousin and her children, where Mom is staying at the moment. Oh, by the way, Dad has returned from his stay at the health spa, so he is staying there too at the moment.

Once we returned we had dinner – which is usually bread here in Germany. I went along with it and had 2 slices of bread with cheese. Then we had lots and lots of tea and talked and talked and talked until we eventually went to bed. I prepared my bed on the ground, while my Mom took the bed. Much to my surprise, Shorty follow me and took his usual spot next to my head, only this time he was a little confused about the location I guess. 😉

Kaya on the other hand decided to stay away and spend the night on the cat tree.

Despite the heater being on and the window closed, I got up in the middle of the night and tuned up the heater all the way, I was so cold … but hey, no incident that night. 😉

Anyway, the next morning after breakfast we went to Friesdorf again and did some shopping and spend the rest of the day talking and waiting. Waiting fo 3:30pm, when we could eventually get going and meet the realtor/landlord.

We also checked the site of the realtor and were shocked to find that the apartment he had invited us to look at, had been published – how dumb of us, we had thought that we were the only one to look at the place. No, we were not, there were 3 women and one man also interested in that flat and while my Mom was so excited and ready to basically show all her cards at once, I tried to signal her to wait with the “real” questions until the rest of them were gone.

The apartment was still furnished since the old lady who had lived there before, had been transferred to a nursing home only a couple of days before that. It was obvious that nothing had been done in that apartment for a while, like renovating. The wallpaper was yellowed and seemed as if it had been brought in the 70’s. So the place was in no good condition. By the way, here in Germany you don’t move into furnished apartments, when you move in, there is nothing in there, you basically always have to bring all your own stuff, even the kitchen. So you move into empty rooms, whenever you move. You can make a deal with the previous tenant and buy their kitchen if  they offer to sell it but if the old tenant wants to take his or her kitchen along you are forced to either make your own kitchen fit into the new rooms or buy a new kitchen.

Anyway, after the other people were gone we talked business and my Mom decided to take it. He said he would call me today and we then left.

We then took a cab to Bad Godesberg, had a Latte Macchiato in front of my Red Cross unit’s house and I then we walked to the train station and I took care she would get a seat in the train, since it was after work rush hour.

I felt a little bad leaving her in the train but I had to work today and spending another 40 € to accompany her and then take the train back to Bonn again would have been a little too much.

I took the bus back home but got off at Ronnie’s place and spend another 90 minutes at his place before I eventually walked home again. I took a shower, grabbed my cats and was off to bed.

This morning I had only arrived at work when I got a bunch of calls. First the head of my psychological attendant group called, informing me that I would be somehow responsible for organising the upcoming meetings of the group, since she would be on vacation for 4 weeks. Then my Red Cross unit boss called talking to me about the upcoming First Aid course this weekend and the assignments for St. Martin in the next week.

And then came the call I had been waiting for – the realtor!!


We decided to meet again on the 12th to sign the contract, so I am taking off that day again since my parents will both arrive on the 11th, stay over night and then take the train back after everything is done. Also some more good news, the realtor is going to give us 14 days to do the renovations and moving without having the pay rent. So in December – we can start renovating on December 1st – they will only have to pay half the rent.


So, this X-Mas, they will have their own place and all will be good. Hopefully. 😉

I am off to bed now, real tired. Everybody on the east cost – God bless and be safe.

Night folks.

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I am on adrenaline right now, my hands are shaky and my legs feel trembly.

There it is, this huge ball of something in my guts.

Something I hate so much and tried to avoid for weeks needs to be done in a moment.

I need to take a blanket and place it in the transport box, then use the bathroom a few times since I am so nervous, make the call for a taxi and then catch the little black fur ball, my beloved Kaya to lock her into the box and get going.

Will it be today?? Or will it only be an inflammation of the bladder??

Whenever I need to make the trip to the vet, I expect those dreaded words now. Any time now I think. Is she already suffering. it’s so hard. I pray that it’s nothing serious but the way she has been sick these past few month I am not sure she is still fine.

Kaya had problems with peeing on Wednesday and yesterday all was fine again. This poor little fur ball went from toilet to toilet for 2 hours, peed on me twice, while sleeping on my shoulder until eventually she was able to pee.

Today it’s the same, she is roaming the litter boxes on the run. Try the box in the kitchen, then the one in the hallway and back to the kitchen. Actually today she made a few stops on my carpet and left a few drops here and there.

My Mom just told me not to take her home anymore if the vet encourages the last … option.

Can’t think about it anymore now … call cab now Janet, call cab ……………….


I just returned from the vet, as of now it’s an inflammation of the bladder, she is on antibiotics for now and I need to get a sample of urin to the vet when she is feeling better. The time frame is 30 minutes from taking the sample to dropping it off. Things never seem to calm down over here. 😦



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Actually I planned to write yesterday, and before that I wanted to write the day before that but things kept coming up.

For one, this Monday I started writing my food diary for the nutritionist – and that is seriously a pain in the a***.

I need to write down everything that I eat, which I have gotten used to by now, having used Loseit! for over six month now, but on top of writing down everything I eat I also have to write down everything I drink and all needs to be time precise. So no more taking a sip every now and then, now I need to write down the exact amount of water, coffee, or whatever I drank and when I did.

So today was my second day of that and I actually managed to drink ONLY water during those 2 days. Well but today, today I enjoyed one glass of diet soda but I also did that so that I could get a comment from my nutritionist when she reads it.

Haha, most of the time I go “oh she is gonna kill me for that”, or “yeah, she is gonna unscrew my head for this and screw it back on up-side-down”.

Like today, I had only had 900 calories until I returned home and while I kept myself from anything unhealthy, I did actually have 2 portions of this.

A new recipe I tried for the first time this Sunday – so good!!!

I was sooooo hungry, that I just disregarded any comments I might get for it and had a second serving, after all this recipe only amounts to 516 calories.

Here the recipe … 😉

Fried sweet bell pepper with rice

  • skillet
  • cooking spray
  • 2 bell pepper of different color
  • 1/2 onion
  • pinch of salt
  • pepper to your liking
  • 2 tsp sugar
  • 1 tsp basil dried or fresh
  • 2-3 tsp of vinegar
  • add 2 servings of rice (about 10 ounces)

Heat up the skillet – go for high temperatures – add cooking spray or alike (mind the calories), then add the cut onions and thinly sliced bell pepper. Let it stay like that for a minute, then spice with pepper, salt and the 2 tsp of sugar. I am not sure stevia would work. Stir well but leave temperature at high, only reduce it a bit.

Cook the rice in the mean time – oh 10 ounces of cooked rice should be 5 uncooked.

After a few more minutes add the vinegar and let it simmer, keep in mind that the skillet should be “talking” to you all the time. 😉

The bell pepper should still be a little bit crunchy, when done. Add the basil shortly before that. Then add the rice. Stir well. The rice will take on some color from the mixture. Now fry until the rice is to your liking.

And bon appetite!!

Should taste slightly sour sweet and it’s so good!!!

Anyway, apart from that things have gone crazy over here. My Dad left the hospital on his own accord last Saturday and has been staying at my younger sister’s place ever since. His health insurance has decided to send him to a rehab training to put on weight again, so he will be leaving soon.

So while he is still at Dana’s place, my Mom is at my cousin’s place and has decided to move to Bonn, since she wasn’t able to find a place in Meerbusch and has eventually come to the realisation that living in Meerbusch all by themselves would be problematic if she ever needed to be admitted to the hospital – her left knee seems to be acting up.

Now the pressure is all mine. While I am really happy that she has decided to come, I now totally feel the pressure to come up with a good flat for them. I found one already which is quite close to my place and I will have a look at it tomorrow at 5:30 pm but it’s an open house appointment, so I won’t be the only one there, I guess it will be crowded. 😦

Also, the flat is free next month, starting Oct. 1st and that my parents won’t be able to manage, so now, all there is to do is have a look at the flat and hope that they will have a vacancy soon. The good thing is that the company renting out the flats have 11 building with 147 flats, all rented out at the moment but perhaps they will have a vacancy soon. I will have to keep checking their site while looking for other options as well.

Now I am really nervous and a little stressed, add my attempts to present myself in the best possible way to my nutritionist – which will happen next Tuesday by the way – and thus trying to eat in the best possible way and you get me going bananas almost all the time.

Oh, an update on the nutritionist. I got all documents from my doctor, send them to my insurance and am now waiting on their response. If all goes well, they are going to pay 25 € for a maximum of 10 sessions, which would be 250€ then. I hope it will work out.

If something goes wrong, I can still cancel my appointment with the nutritionist next Tuesday.

I am going to keep you updated on all and will even scan a page of my food diary so you all will be with me, all the way.

Okay, that’s it for now, I need to take a shower and then grab my cats and cuddle up with my little fur monsters in bed.

By the way, Kaya seems to purge a little less and her poo is almost normal again. YAY to that.

Night you all and I am still there, hope you didn’t think that, being so quite these few days, I fell off the wagon. Nope, I am still here people. 😉

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At the moment I am getting quite a lot of alone time and it’s a little challenging.

I am used to basically rush home from work, drive by Ronny’s place every other day and then still manage to get my workouts and cooking in the remaining day.

Now, since Ronny is still not talking to me because I didn’t drive to Munich with him and the others, I am having quite a bit of time at hand. I drove by his place today – I guess to force clearing the air, but he was not alone, a friend was with him and they were reorganizing Ronny’s living room, so it was impossible to talk about things.

He didn’t even hug me upon arriving – I guess he only opened the door because they had ordered some food and were waiting for the delivery guy. I tried to talk to him shortly before leaving though, but he refused to even talk to me. His only reply was that he didn’t want to talk about it and the way he said it, it was clear that he also didn’t want to talk to me!

I am not really sure why the situation is as it is at the moment. There is only one circumstance that might explain to me why this is happening.

Actually last Wednesday at the Red Cross meeting Ronny didn’t want to hug me because I had announced already that I wasn’t going to accompany him and the others and he told me that he didn’t like me not going and I responded that I didn’t care.

Of course I cared!! I care about everything about Ronny but I was just too exhausted to have another discussion about going or not going and that’s why I said that I didn’t care.

At the moment I feel like I am only inches away from starting to slam my head against the floor or something. Weeks of either my Mom or younger sister calling because of reappearing arguments over in Nordwalde, then my father’s ever-changing diagnoses. First they diagnose problem A, then problem B and eventually its problem C this. Now the big operation that might happen next week.

So excuse me please, I might not run around with my face distorted by crying all night – cause I tend to sleep at night – since I am quite good at just ignoring things as long as I can, but does that mean that everything is peachy???

NO SIR!!!!

IT FREAKING AIN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually I tried to clear the air three times – counting today’s attempt as well – Saturday I drove by, under the small pretend to get some cream for my bug bites but they were really killing me that day. I received utter ignorance and basically fled after a few minutes. Sunday, I called and asked him whether he would accompany me on another hike. All I got was a rather dull “NO”, lacking any emotion. Today was my third attempt to fix this.

Yeah, why don’t we put one more scoop of sh** on Janet’s plate, since it is not full enough as it is, right?? And while you are at it, why don’t you try shooting arrows at me. You might be lucky and hit bulls eye. Challenge of the day – MAKE JANET DROP!

I am drained.

I’ll take a step back.

Here is what I had/did yesterday.

DAY 50

I am going to stop now, before I have to regret something I write.

Night y’all!

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The last few years, I always did suffer when summer approached and with it, unbearable temperatures, but this year I am not suffering as much.



Sorry, I just had to give a prep talk to Kaya, she is lying under my desk in the shadow despite the fact that I just prepared her some food, obviously she is either not hungry enough to eat yet or it’s the weather. It’s hot people, really hot. Okay it’s not yet 100 Fahrenheit but 92 is close enough I think.

Well, anyway, Kaya, yes. I just took the rest of the beef I bought yesterday and started cooking it. I hope she will have some of it. I haven’t talked about Kaya for a while, haven’t I?

Well, I guess I was worried to jinx it. She had put on quite some weight within the last month and it was nice to actually see her return to nap on my shoulder and actually feel her weight and not only bones but now, she has lost some again. She is not at her lowest weight yet – and I hope it won’t come to it but she has lost again. It was my mistake I guess, I decided to give her some processed treat … well that went down the drain. Won’t happen again. It’s difficult though because she really knows how to beg.

Those of you who drop by on a regular base know that Kaya is food intolerant to certain processed foods. I can’t tell which ingredient causes her to get diarrhea but the diet of cat milk, fresh beef and the brand Felix seemed to have fixed it for some time.

Speaking of which – food intolerance – guess who is also suffering from it, obviously. My Dad!! Apart from the fact that his abdominal aorta is thickened – 0.2 centimeter more and an operation will be unavoidable – and the changes in his duodenum, causing him to be unable to absorb any protein, the doctors now figured out that he has developed a food intolerance to anything grain. So no bread, or anything with flower for that matter. My Dad is 65 now and he is not a very active person, so I am not sure whether he will be able to adjust easily.

SOURCE: Google

Let me think – everything grain – well, it is possible I guess. I am certain it wouldn’t be easy, after all when you take out the base of the pyramid, that talks about exercise and alcohol, and the second level dealing with liquids, then things made of grain are the solid food base of the pyramid. I guess  it won’t be easy.

Anyway, I just talked to my older sister on the phone and obviously things look even graver with my Dad. Gosh, is there an end to all this ??

My father had to undergo another gastroscopy today in order to take a better look at the “damage” in his duodenum and it turns out – I don’t know exactly what they found – that he needs to be operated on … like soon. As soon as next Wednesday. Every diagnosis and treatment option that was decided on to this point is changed. At first they had decided that the excess water he is retaining needs to be slowly taken care of by means of an infusion with very light medication in it, in order not to put too much strain on his system. Now that is out of the question, he is given real medication now – no word about his weakened state anymore.

They also had decided that he should slowly gain weight in order to operate the abdominal aortic aneurysm at a later time. This has also been changed, a feeding tube has been placed as of today in order to get him ready for the operation on Wednesday.

I am thinking about taking the entire week off in order to take the train and see my Dad up there before the operation. Due to the cats, and Kaya’s food problem for that matter, I obviously can’t stay over night but I feel it is necessary for me to see him before the operation.

I also talked to my Mom on the phone and she told me something that made me understand why she would want to no longer stay in Nordwalde and my younger sister has nothing to do with that decision. Obviously when it rains, its pelting down, like there is no tomorrow.

So another moving is in order.

I am exhausted now. I’ll take a shower now and then head for my bed. Tomorrow I’ll have to teach my class, hopefully that will redirect my thought or maybe I’ll just suck at teaching tomorrow, We’ll see.

Here is what I had and did yesterday. 

DAY 38

Janet out!

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Damn internet hackers!!! I had a little scare just now, when it seems I encountered another virus or something. So people if your monitor turns all black and there is a tiny window in the middle stating “Fuera de alcance” and a guitar solo starts playing, then well, then you have what I just had. I called Nicky, my older sister to check what this “Fuera de alcance” is about and she couldn’t find anything. I ended up disconnecting my monitor after having tried to reboot the system like four times and this eventually did it. I am scared to connect to the internet now cause my software couldn’t find anything.

Anyway, so let me try to get this done before I am being attacked again…

It’s been a couple of days since my first hike, so I think it’s time to eventually write about my experience. So here you go.

When I got up last Sunday, it was just past 7 am and weirdly enough, I remember opening my eyes and feeling overly energetic and ready to uproot trees or something. So, I got up, prepared the food for the cats, had my milk coffee and before I knew what I was doing, I had started grabbing cloth, my 3/4 sweatpants that I usually use for my workouts, a comfortable short-sleeved shirt and my walking shoes, from which I thought there were suitable to walk in the woods.

My thoughts seem to overtake themselves at this point. Hold on a second, did my mind just project the imagine of the woods into my thoughts?? I mean … THE WOODS???? 

I knew that the Kottenforst – the woods closest to my place – is only a 10 minutes walk away, but so far, when thinking about people going for hikes, I always sort of envied them, telling myself that I was not ready yet and after all I didn’t even like walks, so what would I do in the woods? 

But not this Sunday! This Sunday my subconscious seemed to take over and move my body to fetch the cloth, put on the shoes, grab my new lovely rain coat and lock the door behind me, while I, the conscious “I”, just stood by observing in awe, totally bewildered.

The conscious I continued to just watch and let it play out until I reached the entrance of the woods, upon which there was a first but uncertain “Are you sure, Janet?”

The entrance to the woods, looking rather uninviting…

I took my time with storing my helmet in the casket of my scooter, looking towards the rather dark entrance to this unknown world of outside activity. As I slowly walked towards the entrance, I saw a man with a dog, getting ready to start running. I looked past him and suddenly my determination started to crumble just a tad bit. Was it safe for me to go in alone??

Right next to the entrance this is what caught my eye and the voice in my head, asking me whether I was serious became a little louder…

I slowed down a little, allowing the man and his dog to get a head start and looked at the house right next to the entrance. Err, I certainly watched too much “Most Haunted” on YouTube, that’s for sure!!

I waited a little longer, until I was sure that I couldn’t catch up with the man and his dog and then ripped my eyes from the deserted house. I took a few steps only to stop again at a signboard only a few meters from the house.

Geological hiking trail it says and talks about the different stops and the history of the geological structures on the trail. This is the starting point of the trail…

As I stood there, looking at the starting point of the trail, my determination returned and after glancing towards the entrance one more time, I faced the forest and started my very first hike.

A few steps after the first signboard the path forked for the first time. At this point I decided to always go straight in order not to get lost.

I guess I started the hike a little unprepared, I didn’t have water, nor did I actually have a plan but at this point I didn’t think it necessary, since I would only walk in for 15 minutes and then turn around. Well, that didn’t really go according to my plans. 😉

The trail was engulfed by steep hillsides

On quite a few occasions I felt reminded of the first Jurassic Park movie, which I had watched during a trip to Ireland in 1991. I was in a totally different world and it was so beautiful and the air tasted fresh and sweet.

Just some 100 meters into the woods I turned around once the check whether I was really doing this.

The trail started going uphill and I was totally in awe with all the beautiful nature and the breathtaking view. The trees seemed to defy physics, by clinging on to the steep hillsides. The light that managed to filter through the roof of leaves covered everything in greenish colors. It was just beautiful!! Thinking that this has been here all the time and I just didn’t know. 

Going straight again and this time running actually…

I past the second sign and went on straight again. I don’t know why, but I actually ran up the tiny passage you can see on the previous picture. Took me a moment to catch my breath while I slowly walked on. Thinking about it now, there is no way I would even have managed to reach the second sign, had I attempted to hike in the woods 2 years ago. So this puts things into perspective, I actually HAVE improved my fitness. So cool!!

The trees – some of them – are marked with blue color and white signs directing which way to go.

Shortly after I took that picture I encountered a road, cutting through the forest, which left me lost. A few minutes before that I had encountered another fork in the path and the two resulting paths seemed to go parallel to each other so I though it didn’t matter which way I walked but I guess I was wrong at that point because the other path had soon disappeared from view as I had walked on. I turned right and walked on until another path appeared and I assumed that this was the path that I didn’t take. Right opposite the forest road that I was now walking on, the real trail seemed to go on.

“The road goes ever on and on” – sorry couldn’t resist to add some Lord of the Rings here. 😉

So I continued on that path. Well, I guess that wasn’t the right trail after all because the path grew narrower and narrower until I didn’t dare to walk on, despite the fact that I was able to see traces of the runner and his dog in the muddy parts of the ground. Obviously they had taken this very path.

You might not see it but stinging nettle grew at the sides and I was wearing my short sweat pants.

I followed the path a little more until I didn’t dare to walk on due to the stinging nettle and fear of ticks, So this is the furthest I got. It was game over at this point. I had walked 45 minutes into the woods and wasn’t sure whether I was still on the right trail. I had walked by the fourth signboard of the trail and had failed to find the fifth one, of 25 or something. So I turned around without feeling bad about it, because I had gone further than I had planned after all.

The rainy days left the forest muddy and slippery in parts.

It took another 35 minutes to return to the entrance of the woods and I didn’t get lost on my way back. I really loved the experience and am looking forward to repeating it. Well actually my next goal is to do the entire thing. As far as I know it’s 9 kilometers, once I know which way to go. 😉

So as of now, I have managed to reach the 4th position of that trail and will continue on until I have walked the entire thing.

I hope to try again next Sunday if I am not too exhausted from teaching LSM on Saturday, well and if the weather is okay.

So, this was my hiking experience. YAY!!! LOVED IT!!!

Which brings me to what I had/did yesterday.

And I am off for the day…

Happy Wednesday everyone. 😉

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